


i see beauty in everything but me

by orphan_account



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: (no tea but he met johnny and whew), Angst, Depression, M/M, Multi, References to Depression, References to anxiety, Self-Destruction, Self-Hatred, a whole lot of pining from them and obliviousness from bunny boy, and doyoung moves in with them, based off personal experiences, but both johnny and ten like doyoung, but dw it ends fairly happily, but i swear it gets softer, but ten has always loved him, but then it gets sadder, doyoung doesn't feel that its real, doyoung is a sad mess, johnny and ten are loving boyfriends, johnny is a big sweetheart, johnny is a gentle giant who wants to help but just breaks things on accident kshkdjld, really angsty and shit???, ten is a dance instructor, ten went w him first
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-02-20
Packaged: 2019-10-31 20:21:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17856344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: this will include mentions of depression, not eating, and at one point it may include mentions of cutting.also i might add smut





	i see beauty in everything but me

**Author's Note:**

> this will include mentions of depression, not eating, and at one point it may include mentions of cutting.  
> also i might add smut

_What is the point?_

These words hung heavy in Dongyoung's mind as if they were branded there, singed into his red-hot brain and ringing in his ears uncontrollably. He tried to chase them away but his mind had been permanently imprinted with crippling self-doubt and criticism.

Thinking back, Dongyoung could never remember a moment where he was not unhappy; his life seemed to be a pitifully sad loop of unfortunate happenings. However, this mix of pain, fear, anger and hopelessness was not new to the 23-year-old boy as he has struggled to deal with his life with people around him and most importantly himself, his whole life.

Not a day went by that Dongyoung didn't feel utterly hopeless and insecure; in fact, it was those insecurities that ate away at his thoughts and drained them like hungry leeches eager to drain every last ounce of blood.   
Dongyoung couldn't help but sigh for what seemed the millionth time in the last hour. He sat alone in his tiny apartment that to anyone else would seem practically cell-like, but to him, it all seemed to still be despairingly big and depressing. 

There were many reasons Dongyoung did not like people he didn’t know, but he could never deal with closeness, conversations and all their mess and disorganization (or even just having different placements for objects), as well as that Dongyoung was positive that no one in their right mind would ever want to spend time living with someone who had depression and anxiety as well as his mental instability and complex outlook on life.

His white bed sheets crumbled beneath him as he flopped meekly down on top of them. Pulling himself into a small compact ball, he nibbled at the top of his thumb as a comfort habit he never really abandoned in his childhood. His arms still tingled and stung as they moved across the rough fabric. Despite his long sleeved, over-sized, chunky-knit, fluffy jumper, his arms prickled with the indirect contact making him wince out of sheer discomfort but that discomfort was still an emotion, an emotion he could feel and pin point exactly and that felt, in an odd sort of painful way, comforting.

The dark rings around his tired, lifeless eyes stood out prominently on his chalky pale skin. Anyone with eyes could see that Dongyoung was having a rough time.

The claustrophobic apartment that seemed way too big with its cream walls, white blinds, small, cramped twin beds, brown wooden desk and bookshelf with every last book and pen placed in their correct position, the tiny kitchen area with its white microwave, mini-fridge, kettle and toaster. He had been so used to living in dorms (by himself) that it came to him as a relief that he had his own bathroom; Dongyoung found himself breaking down in his bathroom, crying into the rug and cursing himself out in the mirror at random times.   
After reading one of his many  ** _'HOW TO NOT FEEL LIKE A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT'_**  books, Dongyoung had once tried decorating the room to make it seem more quote-on-quote 'homely' but this proved problematic.   
First, he tried pinning up some of his older artwork but the more he stared at them the more flaws he saw and after a while, he became sick at the sight of them and hated ever since one of his pieces. He had tried to unstick them from the wall of but the cheap off-brand blu-tack ripped off the paint leaving ugly paint-less splodges across his wall.

Dongyoung had a box of neatly folded, colorful origami cranes that he made every time he felt unhappy. He had been making cranes as a coping strategy since he was around 10 or 11 years old. Over the years he had collected hundreds of the paper birds, possibly thousands, and one day he started threading a clear string through them and hung each one from the ceiling. It took many a few days of stringing and hanging the delicately ornate paper before ever crane was suspended in the air but once it was done it, even Dongyoung found it a little impressive.

Despite everything, something still was not right but there was nothing logical that he could think of to make anything right now.

Looking up from his ball, Dongyoung notices the outside world has gotten lighter and realizes he lost track of the time. Pulling his phone off the dresser-turned-bedside-table, the time on the screen read 10:27.   
With a groan, Dongyoung knows he has to eat something because he hasn't eaten anything since his unsatisfying microwaved pot-noodle at lunch (which was yesterday). When he opens the fridge, he is annoyed to realize he only has pot noodles and milk in there. He was not prepared to eat pot noodles again today so that called for asking Ten to bring him something on his way here. He shoots him a quick message before tossing his phone away from him.

He had discussed moving in with Ten, a high school friend who had seen him at both his best and worst (his best wasn’t much different than his worse, he was always fucked up back in high school) and his boyfriend, Johnny, another close friend of his, and today they had offered to come over and help him move his things into the new room he would be provided with. He goes to his incredibly tiny bathroom, deciding to try to make his appearance a bit livelier, in courtesy of getting out to see his childhood friend and his lover. He entered the bathroom and left the door open, staring at his reflection above the sink.

Mirrors- Dongyoung hates them. They only remind him how rough and horrible he looks all the time, but there was no escaping them, especially in a bathroom. 

Dongyoung inspects his face in the equally as tiny mirror the bathroom provided, sliding his hand against the growing stubble along his jaw and passing it over his eyes wearily. He chews the fleshiest parts of the inside of his cheeks. The skin is already dead and bunched together from constant abuse. He knows he had plenty of bad habits he needs to take care of, but as it is, he's much more focused on how he had chosen that day in particular to fall into one of his moods. He tightly holds the sink and continues inspecting himself in the mirror. 

He isn't satisfied with what he sees.

Tired eyes stare from unsettling eye bags that make him look like he hasn't slept in 4 days (which, if we're gonna be honest, wasn't far from the truth). His nose was too large for him, too annoying and loud on his face. His cheeks were too full, he muses, and he decides then to lay off his meals for a couple days. He studies his face carefully, pulling at his skin. His eyes are burning but dry as a summer desert. They are bloodshot and this is highlighted and exaggerated by the deep purple bags forming under his eyes. His skin is extremely pale as if all the blood had been drained from his body and his young skin seems to droop miserably from his thin framed face. 

To see how it looked, he smiles at himself but it just looks wrong and forced and ugly so he lets it fall back to his permanent disapproving frown.

His black hair is greasy and messy; it hadn't been straightened or brushed or tamed or anything in a few days so he yanks at every thick strand, pulling it painfully with a brush that hadn't been touched in a long time. Without thinking, he turns on a tap and rolls his sleeves up so he could proceed to splash his face pathetically with freezing water in a strained attempt to look 'presentable'. 

He looks down at his exposed arms and sighs yet again. Every freshly red or still searing white line that plagued his skin is a constant reminder of how much he hated himself. His lips part and a puff of air escapes, and suddenly Dongyoung is crying, his tears escaping his eyes and getting caught on his eyelashes and he really doesn't get why he's crying right now- And the door gets banged and he hears Ten's loud voice announcing he was here, along with the softer undertones of Johnny's calmer volume.

He quickly wipes the tears away along with the slightly disgusting stream of snot that dribbles out of his nose from the crying. He walks out the bathroom and smiles weakly at Ten, who immediately notices his red face and bloodshot eyes. "Doyoung?" He tilts his head and lets out some air. "Wanna continue packing? I'll get to filter the good clothes and toss away your ugly stuff, finally."

Ten inspects his friend’s face in a care that makes Dongyoung itch. He opens his mouth to ask him if he was alright- and Dongyoung smiles at him, shaking his head. "It was nothing, just looking at myself for a while." Ten looks at Dongyoung's back warily. He knows it's the worst when you start looking at yourself and he knows from experience that it isn't a nice sensation, hating yourself for no reason other than being there. But he wants to be happy for Dongyoung because they all know he's trying, and he knows it's best to keep his mind off things instead of pursuing the matter. So he grins cheerily back at Dongyoung as he turns back around and suddenly Johnny appears in the doorway, struggling with the boxes Dongyoung has already packed and put aside. 

"Do, where should I put these? Did you want me to put them at the back of my trunk or are there other priority things?" Dongyoung tilts his head and inspects his boxes. 

"You can head out and put them in the truck, yeah, thank you so much Johnny." He nodded with a gentle smile and continues heading out. Ten pinches his cheeks fondly. 

"Let's finish packing? We already have your room emptied and ready, all we need is your stuff and yourself."

Dongyoung bit the inside of his cheek again and nodded. 

"Are you sure you don't mind me moving in? I feel like I'm intruding on you and Johnny." 

Ten sighed and grabbed his nose while the bunny boy huffed and spluttered in annoyance. "We've already told you, dummie, we already live together in one bedroom so you taking Johnny's old room is honestly no issue. He never stays there anyways," Ten continued with a sly grin. 

"He's too busy making messes in my room." 

"Ugh, Ten, that's... fine, Ten." His grin relaxes and he looks at the bunny-like boy in front of him. "Let's go?" Ten asks with such softness that Dongyoung is tempted to cry again, but he holds it in even though he knows Ten wouldn't comment on anything he knew wasn't an issue. Ten notices this, however, notices the wetness around Dongyoung's eyes and the unnatural shininess of it, how his eyes widen just a bit and he sniffles. 

Ten wordlessly pulls him into a hug and Dongyoung feels even more like crying, a sinking feeling going down his throat and melting into heavy weight at his chest. He hugs back. 

"Let's go, Ten."

**Author's Note:**

> in no way or form am i romanticizing these thoughts, it's a genuine issue day to day people go through, and i encourage you to get professional help if u begin to feel like something is wrong. this is made from my experience, and it has a lot of my own habits laced into my characters. it also contains what i consider coping factors, and as i said, to each their own. i hope you enjoyed this chapter!  
> i'll be making more, they'll probably be kinda short? but i'll try to update often ^^


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